I can't help it.

Despite having anxiety issues, I try to be an optimistic person...Lately, my optimism levels have been low, really low.

I started looking for a job pretty much as soon as I lost my last one. I had a few interviews before the holidays, but they didn't amount to anything. Since no company really wants to hire before or during the holidays, I decided to take two weeks off from searching and return to it diligently at the beginning of January.

I had an interview where I really, really wanted the job. I thought I did well during the interviewing process and when that happens, I usually get the job, but I suppose it didn't work this time. I can't afford to go for months without a job, I just can't. I receive financial help for the government, but it is half of my old salary and I have rent and other things I need to pay for now. Moving took out most of my savings because I had nothing of my own when I left. I had no furniture, no appliances... The only things I did have were a small television and clothes... along with all my video games, anime and manga stuff, but that doesn't count as essential things I would need to live.

When I was looking at job offers yesterday, I couldn't stop replaying my old life in my head. I write in a journal almost every evening, and I remembered that I would often write about how much I loved my old job. Now look at me. I am without work, AGAIN, I barely have enough money to live a decent life AGAIN, and I am not having any luck with the jobs I am interviewing for AGAIN.... Suffice it to say, things are not looking up right now. I am just so stressed about my rent... I like where I live. I told my landlord that I recently lost my job and he seems cool about it, but I don't want to lose the apartment. It's not the best place to live in the world...the neighbors are sometimes loud and they smoke A LOT, but still, I have finally have a place to call my own...It is decorate the way I want it to be, I can't invite who I want, listen to what I want, watch what I want...it's pure bliss...So to have that all taken away would truly suck...

So, that's all from me right now... I needed to get this off of my chest... I still feel a little like crying once in a while... But, I won't give up. My father tells me that, each time I lost a job, I found a better one afterwards... It is kind true...but I loved my old job so much that the standards for the next one to be just as great are pretty high.